Driven Away: Reflections on the Drive and So Much More

Still, I get all sorts of responses to me doing this, that is leaving my home with Paul and going to Belize. So, yes, I am eighty, this birthday is beyond momentous for me. First, I never thought I’d live to see this since no one in my maternal side of my family ever made it past sixty-four. The paternal side did a bit better and most did make it into their eighties, so I believe I have their genes instead of the maternal ones. My brothers did not and both died long ago, one at sixty-one and one in his early seventies. Realizing I was approaching eighty, I also realized I was wasting away not living my potentials but had settled for companionship and security with Paul.

We enjoyed each other’s company when we first decided to live together; however, as time went on and Covid made us isolates, I realized how little we had in common. I also realized I was waiting for him to get better. Paul has many health issues, diabetes, high blood pressure, bad back, drop foot, hip replacements and more, he is a trooper about all this but I realized I spent at least six times or more per year waiting on his surgeries. To be able to hike with me, to ski with me, to play and be joyful. He doesn’t. I was living alone with him.

Here's my sour grapes: He never expressed interest in anything I accomplished including leading our Unitarian Universalist Fellowship which, essentially, I started from scratch developing and applying for non-profit status, applying for a position within the UU Association, developing its web site, developing members, and so on. He did not recognize my many past accomplishments in environmental education either.

In fact, he seemed incapable of expressing much emotion or empathy towards me as time went on. I stayed mainly because during the pandemic there seemed no options. Hitting eighty slapped me upside my head to the reality that I should have moved on and out sooner. We are both good people, we have little shared. Here’s a short example: the wildflowers on our property were glorious last spring and Paul wanted to know more about them, so I took a walk with him to help him learn their names. I am, after all, a naturalist with a fair amount of knowledge about the pinyon-juniper ecosystem and its associated plants. Paul took off learning the plants and photographing them except he did not want my help after the initial walk. Instead he turned, at my suggestion, to another fellow who is a superb expert on Colorado wildflowers and then excluded me in his continued quests. He is really good now at plant ID, he never accepted that I knew them before he stated his quest. When he and his new friend were discussing getting together with their respective spouses, the only thing Paul could say about me was that I am a good cook. I am but really that’s all?

Prepping to leave took nine weeks of culling, digitizing slides and photos to lighten the load. Paul was a big help. Shipping boxes off to granddaughter Arian for items of note to her side of the family and to daughter Lynell for her side of the family. All of the decisions, all the culling, all the years and years of trips through my life by looking at photos, letters, and still-to-come over thirty years of journals, pulled up so much. Magic moments, snatches of times. Precious moments. A slow trudge through sixty plus years of my life. I feel blessed to have done this now and not just leave it to a family member once I pass. I was blessed to look at my life in preparation for the next chapter. Chapter Eighty.

Leaving Colorado, driving through New Mexico, then Texas, and then Mexico to Belize took 5 and a half days total. The drive through Colorado was filled at every turn, every mile, everywhere with memories of special times alone, with friends, with family. Much of New Mexico had me reliving special times, special memories all along the way. Texas and Mexico were blank, open slates for me.

Driving five and half days with someone you did not know beforehand also pushed both of us to new ideas, new considerations. Our conversations were all over the map. We tackle extra-terrestrials, beliefs, religion, politics, relationships and recycled though all it and more. Angel listens and I listen so our conversations always were amicable even if not in agreement. That was fun to have lively two-plus sided conversations with another human.

My favorite of Angel’s perceptions after much discussion about relationships had to do with vibrations. We all have our vibes some folks have high positive ones and some folks have lower vibes. It is energy. Angel told me he felt Paul and I had vibrational patterns that pulled at us. My vibes being more positive and outward and of a higher energy while his are less positive. Perhaps Paul pulled you down since it would take too much of your positive energy to pull against his negative and it wore you, Carol, out. Can’t get any clearer it seems. Thus, I was on the road to a new home and he stayed put to build his there.

Hanging out with daughter Lynell was a highlight. I brought her, her legacy-mixing bowl. Yes, mixing bowls. Bowls holding memories of mixing up cookies, muffins, cakes, and more together. Bowls holding memories of my Mom and Grandma, me and my daughters, grandsons and granddaughters laughing together as we make something yummy. Being a gypsy at heart I have seldom accumulated stuff and am glad I have never felt attachments to such material things.

Mexico is whirl of empty highways interspersed with busy city highways. Most of the roads were in good shape since we stayed on toll roads as much as possible. We covered lots and lots of the country thanks to these good roads. Where we experienced roads full of pot holes and more potholes going was excruciatingly slow. The motels were clean and safe but very, very basic and not much fun for the dogs as their movement was restricted to leases and quick trips out and back inside.

Entering Belize had lots of challenges. First, we arrived late afternoon of a three-day weekend. Customs did not want to bother with assessing my car so they stamped my passport and told me to go to the border in Benque Viejo del Carmen once I settled in San Ignacio because this border is much closer. No problem. However, the insurance office at the border closed at 5PM without car insurance, you can be arrested and jailed in Belize. Also, the inspector for my dogs had other priorities and we had to wait until he could come inspect. Three hours later and a beautiful sunset we sulked through Corozal with the cover of dark hoping no check points remained. There was one but the policeman was busy with his cell phone and waved us through. Much more happened but it is all over and I can now focus on settling for the long haul, and playing and birding and volunteering. I am free and I can live comfortably on my retirement here. Initial expenses are just that. It is what you expect whenever you move. I am healthy, I am content and I am HERE!!